Tuesday, June 7, 2011

-Diary Entry #5-

I'm pregnant! I'm fairly sure at this point anyways....

Talil, I want you to know that I love you. Part of you and I, coming from me? It seems unreal. Looking down to know that the thing I've always wanted is here and I've only got to wait for it is so exciting that I can't even write down in words how I feel. There are concerns of course. How active will I be able to be in the later months especially where battle is concerned. No matter, I'll take myself out of it when time comes.
Illati scares me a little though, even though he claims that he won't hurt me for fear of the child, but....He and other parties scare me even though the thrill is high. Sometimes I think that I'm not fit to be a mother. Those instincts are supposed to come to you yes? I hope they'll come sooner than later.

Little baby in there, I love you more than anything, Talil your daddy loves you too. I want to give you the best life. You're coming into a wonderful family, the Tribe is going to help raise you like your their own. Norgoth said that he'll do anything to protect you and I. Westel....We're going to ask Westel to be your godfather. Hopefully he'll say yes because he's already such a great father with Anais. I love you.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Surprise -Diary Entry #4-

I....I think. I can't believe what happened last night. I'm still wondering if it even happened at all.

I love Talil...I know I do, but Westel. Westel, Westel, Westel! Something still burns in me for Westel. Last night I think only proved that. Why it happened I don't know, but it chills me to the bone to think that it did. Is it that I'm still not ready to settle down like I thought? Why do I have both of these strong feelings? It kills me on the inside that these feelings conflict. That one taste though, I suppose it is enough to sate me. Maybe.

Norgoth forgave me, but he's still kind of a danger to Talil especially since Ilati showed his face. He scares me, but he also intrigues me. How can two people reside in the same body? No I know they aren't two people, but how far under the surface does he lie? How do I know that Talil isn't just a facade sometimes? I'll find out soon enough.

Eugh, I wish my stomach would quit acting up. I need to start eating better.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Misguided -Diary Entry #3-

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I really don't. I feel like I haven't gotten better as a person in the time that I've been in the Tribe and with Sam...

Take Norgoth, I told him I'd try to be with him with a little reluctance, but now that I see him struggling I think I'm developing some sort of feelings...but then there's this mage. I've met him only, what? Three days ago? And we've done nothing but fuck. I'm disgusted with myself. He's so beautiful, but he looks like...it's all just so damn confusing. I try to please Norgoth, but I feel like if he ever finds out then he'll take his own life. And Westel, I feel like he doesn't know, like he takes this bond we have for granted...or that I'm taking it for more than it's worth.

I just wish that voice would tell me what to do with my life again. It talked to me once before, why not now? What could I do to get it to talk to me again?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Trampling on Ruins

On a trip almost like a pilgrimage she was on her talbuk, Alphonse, headed to the old home of her late lover, Abi'jah. She had gone there often lately to pay her respects and talk to what she thought was the spirit of the deceased. It helped her answer the questions that were raging in her mind and had calmed some nerves that she had as of late. The trip never caused her much pain, the trolls had little reason to attack her. Everything had gone just as normal until she started to enter the southern Ghostlands.

It almost scared her to see so many rangers in what was once a nearly deserted place. She looked around, confused as to why the old home was being occupied, though it shouldn't have confused her. The invasion..right. They seemed to let her pass through easily enough even though her attire was a little more trollish than would be desired. She passed through up high on Alphonse with an unease that could surely be felt among the ranks of men. She got close enough to the plateau that held Abi'jah's home that she could almost see it and what it held almost blew her mind.
Just outside the door she saw a stack of weapons, bows, pikes and the like all ready to go. Laughter, something not heard lately, rang through the house as bunches of rangers acted raucously on break. She clenched the bundle of lilies that she held and stared worriedly at the old home, wondering if they even knew what they were doing. They were defiling someone's home, where they had lived, raised children, made love and made their lives.

Two rangers approached her as she stared on top of Alphonse, taking note of the flower and the...less conservative top.
"Excuse me miss, but can we help you?"
Vivvienne shook her head, blinking her eyes as she entered reality once again. She took in the two rangers with a little disbelief.
"No...No, I was just here to visit with a friend."
"Ma'am, all the trolls here have been evacuated. You're out of luck."
One of the two rangers whispered to his cohort, the other chuckling a little. Vivvienne made a face at the two, feeling somewhat violated that they looked down on her as they did.
"It's probably best that you leave. It's dangerous around here, Ma'am," spoke up the chuckling ranger. He waved her off as if she were a child and she huffed and tugged Alphonse's reins in an about face. She started to ride off, devestated at what she had just witnessed.

The giggling guard only shrugged and waved his hand dismissively at the retreating Vivvienne and muttered a single insult, "Just a damn Troll fucker."

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Shame -Diary Entry #2-

-This page is tear stained-

I.....Gods, no.

-Afterwards it looks as if a five year old took a pen violently to the paper-

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Letting Go -Diary Entry-

Westel is no longer an option.
It's weird you know....trying to get over a love that's still alive. I don't think I've had to do it this way for a long while. Maybe it's that tattoo that is making it a little harder to accept. One thing that I pass on to any one: don't get a tattoo of anyone you've got romantic ties to. Or would or want?

One thing I have been contemplating though is tattoos. Maybe that is one way that I can really put down my history, though I don't think any future lovers would care too much for it. Perhaps they could be in pictures though....

Ah well. I'll be writing again soon. Hopefully this helps with the pain.