Death

It's strange. I have never felt more afraid in my life. They executed Goldsun tonight.

I have seen death, even committed murder for the sake of anger. I have no idea why I cried. No..no I know why I cried. I was involved...I weep for my own honor, even though I wasn't there the night that all of this happened...I had attended one of the skull's meetings...I could have been given away...

My child is in danger now for my stupid actions. I must become a better person for him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to give up fel magics, that will always be my weakness. I will try though, to be responsible with it.

I wonder who else was there. Which of my brother's and sisters might fall?

What is going to happen next?

I feel so helpless yet there is support...

Someone

I'm afraid, to be honest. I want this. I want it from the depths of me, but that one small part is afraid that it's beginning again just like the last time. It's all because of men and my weak will. I have no will to stay the same for a long period of time, especially if it is boring and dull to me. I've tried to become the lady I was meant to be, I really have.

I'm worried for this child's future. Who is going to be in it? There are several as of now. The Tribe is good to me. Who will be the father? Will Talil still be with her? Will he want to stay with her even through the faults of the mother?

I simply....just want to be beside myself with loneliness again. Maybe that will teach me the meaning of the people around me.

Hell, I've no idea what I'm talking about. I'm only rambling now.

*Something seems to have been written, only to have a large ink blot as if a spill had occurred*

Diary Entry # 12 A Poem

Springs turn into summer, which turn into fall, which turn into winter...

Winter gives rise to a new spring, much like the old but newer, crisp and in the present.

A circle of life that will always be repeated.

Diary Entry# 11

I feel like a captive in my own house. Like it's a prison where I can be watched at all times. I miss the world, I miss doing things in the world. This child...this child better come out of me quickly so I can get back onto my two feet. I want him in my arms, to sing him to sleep like I was last night by the stream. My baby... a part of me I've wanted for so long...I love it so. It isn't the reason I feel so trapped.

Secrets are a woman's own, but I believe this is no longer a secret.

I don't feel like I'm married any longer.

Diary Entry # 10

He's Back.

I'm filled with so much...emotion that I don't know how to label them all correctly, if even at all. As a wife I still have a duty to him. I suppose I still love him. I still smile when I see him smile. We have a child together.

There are still some things that I dare not write in here.

Confusion. Just confusion is what fills my head.

-Diary Entry #9- Restless

I eat my meals alone. I buy household supplies alone. I deal with the servants alone. I am. Alone.

Most times I don't sleep for a long time into the night. I just stare up at the painted ceiling and wonder. Wonder if I've truly been left with all this for nothing. I suppose if I was that I would just take the money and run. There seems to be nothing here anymore. The servants grow more and more restless by the day and they know as well as I that I'm not in any position to be controlling them. The only reason they've ever been listening is because Talil was behind my shoulder. Yes...I suppose just one night I'd take the money and run, perhaps with his mother's gown. She had nice tastes and maybe I could wear it someday.

I have those little day dreams you know. Hoping that someone...somewhere...would come into my life and just make it better, if only for a little while. Perhaps someone has...

Glen Shadow offered to help me reign in those bastards I call my servants...oh yes, they'd be scared then. That alone might give me another week.

I honestly tire of this kind of life, the nobility, without my husband. It's taxing on the mind and body and this little one is giving me fits already.

I often wonder how Westel is doing. I haven't talked to him at length in a great while. I suppose it's because he's always dallying with those women. What I sometimes would give for that freedom and just....just freedom that he has. He may not have his love but at least he's never alone...or when he is he has the option to seek someone out if he pleases. Me, it's like I'm in this dungeon. I was put here against my will. I didn't ask for this. I wasn't married for this. No.

I know it has only been a month, but my mind is fading fast and I'm finding a little bit of contempt grow in me as well. This isn't what I thought it would be and I suppose it isn't my fault at all. Or is it?