My light.

I love him. He's done so much for me in these past months and I love him for it. I love him for himself.
I find myself doing things that I never thought I would be doing. I find myself settling down in a small canyon, with children, pondering more and taking care of the house and yet I don't feel one bit adverse to any of the idea. As long as I'm by his side I feel no shame towards those things like I would have in the past.

If he asked it of me I think I might just stay home, but he wouldn't and he hasn't. Instead he wishes to maybe switch out every few days to watch the children. I find myself wanting his children. I want everything to do with him and I can't help this bliss. We had a small talk the other day where he mentioned....or nearly mentioned marriage- I think. I'm glad that he didn't ask me because I'm afraid that in this still new relationship I would have accepted so blindly without thinking what it would have meant for our children and us. I would have said yes even if my life depended on me saying no.

If it ever comes to that though, I believe that I'll still say yes.

He's here!

My little one is finally here. The labor took me by complete surprise, but I was so relieved to find out that he was healthy and...well a he! The moment I saw his little face there was nothing but relief.

Camden...Savas....Killian, Trystan...

I don't know yet what I'll call you, my babe, my child, the little piece of me...I love you so much. You're going to have so many people raising you and I can only hope that you turn out to be such a good young man. I look forward to the many years I have with you, but please don't grow too fast.

Sleep soundly little one.

I love you.

-Your mother, Vivvienne

Closer

I feel like I'm all put together, like I know where I'm going and that everything....everything is going to turn out alright. Then there are times where I feel like I'm just living through another charade. I thought that things were going to turn out alright with Talil...that was far from true.

My sun, my light. I can't hurt like that again...It's distrust that hurt me.

I've been nothing but faithful to you, while I can't truly say the same about others...I've done nothing but tell you the truth at every point in turn and something in me makes me think that you're just going to leave no matter how much I believe that it will work out for good.

I know though that I have my child, he or she will be a constant that I must focus on, my happiness will take a backseat until I can give it what it wants.

I better sleep now, I hear that it's just about the last that I'll get.

Frustration

I had the most frightening experience today. In the middle of cleaning the hut I dropped the rags in my hands and doubled over in pain. It took me by surprise (and now that I think about it they weren't all that bad). I'm certain that it wasn't the baby, I don't think it's about time yet. I hope that everything is going well down there though....

It didn't last for too long, but it still gives me a little to worry about. I only want my baby to come through healthy and happy...and soon. Did I mention soon? Come on child, don't stay in your mother longer than you need to.

I need to start making clothes. It just dawned on me that there are no clothes for this child to wear still....Time to get to work.

Love

In the past I've always considered myself as a person who gave into lust. When my parents died I lusted for the rapid powers to avenge their deaths. So I chose the dark powers that came from fel energies. I've fallen for many men and given myself to others so freely....Now that I look back on myself perhaps it was that I had no respect after what I had done to my body as I gave it over to the dark. One in particular I'm still not proud of to this day...Damned Vhelrillon. I didn't have any respect and then I just grew to expect it of myself to fall for such casual lusts.

There were a few that were not casual...they were uplifting and friendly as well as sensual. I feel that they helped me grow as... well...I helped them to.

I thought that I knew what love was...I thought I had with Talil, but this time...this one man stopped me from being with another just because he was on my mind. I didn't have the power or the heart to do that to him. I love him and...he says that he's going to raise my child with me as his own....That, I can't explain how beautiful that feels. The love that I feel simply bursts out of my chest for him. Every moment we're close I feel that I don't have to explain anything because in some ways it feels like we are one with the same experiences through another's eyes.

I hate to be mushy like this, maybe it is the hormones. I just believe that this one...this one won't make me hurt. If he did hurt me though, that might just be enough to kill me.

Decisions

I have it decided. I'm not going to be Lady Sana'dal any longer. I've made my decision. I will let him see his child, but I will not be his wife. I cannot be that person. I am not a wife. I simply am not.

I still love the child, my child no matter who the father is. I want you to get here very soon my little one. The tribe will love you, I'm sure. You'll have so many 'brothers and sisters' without me birthing a one. You'll have many caretakers I'm sure.

I love you little one.

Death

It's strange. I have never felt more afraid in my life. They executed Goldsun tonight.

I have seen death, even committed murder for the sake of anger. I have no idea why I cried. No..no I know why I cried. I was involved...I weep for my own honor, even though I wasn't there the night that all of this happened...I had attended one of the skull's meetings...I could have been given away...

My child is in danger now for my stupid actions. I must become a better person for him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to give up fel magics, that will always be my weakness. I will try though, to be responsible with it.

I wonder who else was there. Which of my brother's and sisters might fall?

What is going to happen next?

I feel so helpless yet there is support...

Someone

I'm afraid, to be honest. I want this. I want it from the depths of me, but that one small part is afraid that it's beginning again just like the last time. It's all because of men and my weak will. I have no will to stay the same for a long period of time, especially if it is boring and dull to me. I've tried to become the lady I was meant to be, I really have.

I'm worried for this child's future. Who is going to be in it? There are several as of now. The Tribe is good to me. Who will be the father? Will Talil still be with her? Will he want to stay with her even through the faults of the mother?

I simply....just want to be beside myself with loneliness again. Maybe that will teach me the meaning of the people around me.

Hell, I've no idea what I'm talking about. I'm only rambling now.

*Something seems to have been written, only to have a large ink blot as if a spill had occurred*

Diary Entry # 12 A Poem

Springs turn into summer, which turn into fall, which turn into winter...

Winter gives rise to a new spring, much like the old but newer, crisp and in the present.

A circle of life that will always be repeated.

Diary Entry# 11

I feel like a captive in my own house. Like it's a prison where I can be watched at all times. I miss the world, I miss doing things in the world. This child...this child better come out of me quickly so I can get back onto my two feet. I want him in my arms, to sing him to sleep like I was last night by the stream. My baby... a part of me I've wanted for so long...I love it so. It isn't the reason I feel so trapped.

Secrets are a woman's own, but I believe this is no longer a secret.

I don't feel like I'm married any longer.

Diary Entry # 10

He's Back.

I'm filled with so much...emotion that I don't know how to label them all correctly, if even at all. As a wife I still have a duty to him. I suppose I still love him. I still smile when I see him smile. We have a child together.

There are still some things that I dare not write in here.

Confusion. Just confusion is what fills my head.

-Diary Entry #9- Restless

I eat my meals alone. I buy household supplies alone. I deal with the servants alone. I am. Alone.

Most times I don't sleep for a long time into the night. I just stare up at the painted ceiling and wonder. Wonder if I've truly been left with all this for nothing. I suppose if I was that I would just take the money and run. There seems to be nothing here anymore. The servants grow more and more restless by the day and they know as well as I that I'm not in any position to be controlling them. The only reason they've ever been listening is because Talil was behind my shoulder. Yes...I suppose just one night I'd take the money and run, perhaps with his mother's gown. She had nice tastes and maybe I could wear it someday.

I have those little day dreams you know. Hoping that someone...somewhere...would come into my life and just make it better, if only for a little while. Perhaps someone has...

Glen Shadow offered to help me reign in those bastards I call my servants...oh yes, they'd be scared then. That alone might give me another week.

I honestly tire of this kind of life, the nobility, without my husband. It's taxing on the mind and body and this little one is giving me fits already.

I often wonder how Westel is doing. I haven't talked to him at length in a great while. I suppose it's because he's always dallying with those women. What I sometimes would give for that freedom and just....just freedom that he has. He may not have his love but at least he's never alone...or when he is he has the option to seek someone out if he pleases. Me, it's like I'm in this dungeon. I was put here against my will. I didn't ask for this. I wasn't married for this. No.

I know it has only been a month, but my mind is fading fast and I'm finding a little bit of contempt grow in me as well. This isn't what I thought it would be and I suppose it isn't my fault at all. Or is it?

Diary Entry # 8

(Just a single line taking up one space in the middle of the page.)

Talil is going to be a better father than I am a mother.

Strange Happenings

((This is a thought Journal, not one of the regular kind but it will most likely be a strong memory for years to come. Just thoughts that come to her mind as things happen!))

What...this...This that face. It's that thing, that monster. It was really there? Wasn't it? Wasn't it? I'm not crazy. These things exist...I've seen terrible things and of all of them this has to be one of them.

The thumping in my ears.

Terrified....what's going on. Terror. Shock. Eyes. Those eyes. The black. How long until it devours me like in my dream?

Sickness -Diary Entry #7-

I'm sick. My first time in a long while and I have a baby to account for. I hate this. Why...Just why.

I ache and cough, cough when I ache...

In other words....there have been a bunch of strange appearances around Piki'alo Hetawa...especially in the Elder cave....There was blood coming from the back of it. It ruined all records...I found out that Doxian had a similar dream to mine...

Faces -Diary Entry #6-

((this is scribbled as if after having just woken up. Quickly))

Tonight....I had a dream, more like a nightmare.

I woke up in a field, a dark stormy field with trees that reached up to the sky, I saw nothing but the trees. There....there was a thump and something inside me that wasn't my child. It was terrifying.

That heartbeat...I don't...gods why did I have this dream? Something over took me. It was smothering as if I were on Fel again but different in a way...

It told me "The paladin that resides in orgrimmar next to the fruit of life will bring darkness to what lives within you". It means to harm my child....then I....I saw the face. That damn face with...no face! Just a black mass with eyes...

It still haunts me...I want my husband here....someone to keep me safe...

-Diary Entry #5-

I'm pregnant! I'm fairly sure at this point anyways....

Talil, I want you to know that I love you. Part of you and I, coming from me? It seems unreal. Looking down to know that the thing I've always wanted is here and I've only got to wait for it is so exciting that I can't even write down in words how I feel. There are concerns of course. How active will I be able to be in the later months especially where battle is concerned. No matter, I'll take myself out of it when time comes.

Illati scares me a little though, even though he claims that he won't hurt me for fear of the child, but....He and other parties scare me even though the thrill is high. Sometimes I think that I'm not fit to be a mother. Those instincts are supposed to come to you yes? I hope they'll come sooner than later.

Little baby in there, I love you more than anything, Talil your daddy loves you too. I want to give you the best life. You're coming into a wonderful family, the Tribe is going to help raise you like your their own. Norgoth said that he'll do anything to protect you and I. Westel....We're going to ask Westel to be your godfather. Hopefully he'll say yes because he's already such a great father with Anais. I love you.

Surprise -Diary Entry #4-

I....I think. I can't believe what happened last night. I'm still wondering if it even happened at all.

I love Talil...I know I do, but Westel. Westel, Westel, Westel! Something still burns in me for Westel. Last night I think only proved that. Why it happened I don't know, but it chills me to the bone to think that it did. Is it that I'm still not ready to settle down like I thought? Why do I have both of these strong feelings? It kills me on the inside that these feelings conflict. That one taste though, I suppose it is enough to sate me. Maybe.

Norgoth forgave me, but he's still kind of a danger to Talil especially since Ilati showed his face. He scares me, but he also intrigues me. How can two people reside in the same body? No I know they aren't two people, but how far under the surface does he lie? How do I know that Talil isn't just a facade sometimes? I'll find out soon enough.

Eugh, I wish my stomach would quit acting up. I need to start eating better.

Misguided -Diary Entry #3-

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I really don't. I feel like I haven't gotten better as a person in the time that I've been in the Tribe and with Sam...

Take Norgoth, I told him I'd try to be with him with a little reluctance, but now that I see him struggling I think I'm developing some sort of feelings...but then there's this mage. I've met him only, what? Three days ago? And we've done nothing but fuck. I'm disgusted with myself. He's so beautiful, but he looks like...it's all just so damn confusing. I try to please Norgoth, but I feel like if he ever finds out then he'll take his own life. And Westel, I feel like he doesn't know, like he takes this bond we have for granted...or that I'm taking it for more than it's worth.

I just wish that voice would tell me what to do with my life again. It talked to me once before, why not now? What could I do to get it to talk to me again?

Trampling on Ruins

On a trip almost like a pilgrimage she was on her talbuk, Alphonse, headed to the old home of her late lover, Abi'jah. She had gone there often lately to pay her respects and talk to what she thought was the spirit of the deceased. It helped her answer the questions that were raging in her mind and had calmed some nerves that she had as of late. The trip never caused her much pain, the trolls had little reason to attack her. Everything had gone just as normal until she started to enter the southern Ghostlands.

It almost scared her to see so many rangers in what was once a nearly deserted place. She looked around, confused as to why the old home was being occupied, though it shouldn't have confused her. The invasion..right. They seemed to let her pass through easily enough even though her attire was a little more trollish than would be desired. She passed through up high on Alphonse with an unease that could surely be felt among the ranks of men. She got close enough to the plateau that held Abi'jah's home that she could almost see it and what it held almost blew her mind.

Just outside the door she saw a stack of weapons, bows, pikes and the like all ready to go. Laughter, something not heard lately, rang through the house as bunches of rangers acted raucously on break. She clenched the bundle of lilies that she held and stared worriedly at the old home, wondering if they even knew what they were doing. They were defiling someone's home, where they had lived, raised children, made love and made their lives.

Two rangers approached her as she stared on top of Alphonse, taking note of the flower and the...less conservative top.

"Excuse me miss, but can we help you?"

Vivvienne shook her head, blinking her eyes as she entered reality once again. She took in the two rangers with a little disbelief.

"No...No, I was just here to visit with a friend."

"Ma'am, all the trolls here have been evacuated. You're out of luck."

One of the two rangers whispered to his cohort, the other chuckling a little. Vivvienne made a face at the two, feeling somewhat violated that they looked down on her as they did.

"It's probably best that you leave. It's dangerous around here, Ma'am," spoke up the chuckling ranger. He waved her off as if she were a child and she huffed and tugged Alphonse's reins in an about face. She started to ride off, devestated at what she had just witnessed.

The giggling guard only shrugged and waved his hand dismissively at the retreating Vivvienne and muttered a single insult, "Just a damn Troll fucker."

Shame -Diary Entry #2-

-This page is tear stained-

I.....Gods, no.

-Afterwards it looks as if a five year old took a pen violently to the paper-

Letting Go -Diary Entry-

Westel is no longer an option.

It's weird you know....trying to get over a love that's still alive. I don't think I've had to do it this way for a long while. Maybe it's that tattoo that is making it a little harder to accept. One thing that I pass on to any one: don't get a tattoo of anyone you've got romantic ties to. Or would or want?

One thing I have been contemplating though is tattoos. Maybe that is one way that I can really put down my history, though I don't think any future lovers would care too much for it. Perhaps they could be in pictures though....

Ah well. I'll be writing again soon. Hopefully this helps with the pain.