Realisations

I took Westly home last night...she asked my why I was so mousy and sneaky. She said I was greedy...I've been with a lot of men in the tribe. Now that I think about it...even those that are no longer with us it's a lot a lot for the time that I've been in the tribe. I don't apologize I suppose. I had reasons for each of them and for reasons most all of them fell apart or drifted away.

I told her that I didn't need to be sneaky or mousy anymore. I have a family that loves me, a wonderful family that I hope is going to grow and still remain tight.

I love you, Scynthe. I love you Trysten and Zephenaye.

I'm not a mouse. I am not a sneak.

PS. Westly thought we should become close friends. Even though she was drunk I still think it's a good idea. I don't think I've had one of those in a long while.

My light.

I love him. He's done so much for me in these past months and I love him for it. I love him for himself.
I find myself doing things that I never thought I would be doing. I find myself settling down in a small canyon, with children, pondering more and taking care of the house and yet I don't feel one bit adverse to any of the idea. As long as I'm by his side I feel no shame towards those things like I would have in the past.

If he asked it of me I think I might just stay home, but he wouldn't and he hasn't. Instead he wishes to maybe switch out every few days to watch the children. I find myself wanting his children. I want everything to do with him and I can't help this bliss. We had a small talk the other day where he mentioned....or nearly mentioned marriage- I think. I'm glad that he didn't ask me because I'm afraid that in this still new relationship I would have accepted so blindly without thinking what it would have meant for our children and us. I would have said yes even if my life depended on me saying no.

If it ever comes to that though, I believe that I'll still say yes.

He's here!

My little one is finally here. The labor took me by complete surprise, but I was so relieved to find out that he was healthy and...well a he! The moment I saw his little face there was nothing but relief.

Camden...Savas....Killian, Trystan...

I don't know yet what I'll call you, my babe, my child, the little piece of me...I love you so much. You're going to have so many people raising you and I can only hope that you turn out to be such a good young man. I look forward to the many years I have with you, but please don't grow too fast.

Sleep soundly little one.

I love you.

-Your mother, Vivvienne

Closer

I feel like I'm all put together, like I know where I'm going and that everything....everything is going to turn out alright. Then there are times where I feel like I'm just living through another charade. I thought that things were going to turn out alright with Talil...that was far from true.

My sun, my light. I can't hurt like that again...It's distrust that hurt me.

I've been nothing but faithful to you, while I can't truly say the same about others...I've done nothing but tell you the truth at every point in turn and something in me makes me think that you're just going to leave no matter how much I believe that it will work out for good.

I know though that I have my child, he or she will be a constant that I must focus on, my happiness will take a backseat until I can give it what it wants.

I better sleep now, I hear that it's just about the last that I'll get.

Frustration

I had the most frightening experience today. In the middle of cleaning the hut I dropped the rags in my hands and doubled over in pain. It took me by surprise (and now that I think about it they weren't all that bad). I'm certain that it wasn't the baby, I don't think it's about time yet. I hope that everything is going well down there though....

It didn't last for too long, but it still gives me a little to worry about. I only want my baby to come through healthy and happy...and soon. Did I mention soon? Come on child, don't stay in your mother longer than you need to.

I need to start making clothes. It just dawned on me that there are no clothes for this child to wear still....Time to get to work.

Love

In the past I've always considered myself as a person who gave into lust. When my parents died I lusted for the rapid powers to avenge their deaths. So I chose the dark powers that came from fel energies. I've fallen for many men and given myself to others so freely....Now that I look back on myself perhaps it was that I had no respect after what I had done to my body as I gave it over to the dark. One in particular I'm still not proud of to this day...Damned Vhelrillon. I didn't have any respect and then I just grew to expect it of myself to fall for such casual lusts.

There were a few that were not casual...they were uplifting and friendly as well as sensual. I feel that they helped me grow as... well...I helped them to.

I thought that I knew what love was...I thought I had with Talil, but this time...this one man stopped me from being with another just because he was on my mind. I didn't have the power or the heart to do that to him. I love him and...he says that he's going to raise my child with me as his own....That, I can't explain how beautiful that feels. The love that I feel simply bursts out of my chest for him. Every moment we're close I feel that I don't have to explain anything because in some ways it feels like we are one with the same experiences through another's eyes.

I hate to be mushy like this, maybe it is the hormones. I just believe that this one...this one won't make me hurt. If he did hurt me though, that might just be enough to kill me.

Decisions

I have it decided. I'm not going to be Lady Sana'dal any longer. I've made my decision. I will let him see his child, but I will not be his wife. I cannot be that person. I am not a wife. I simply am not.

I still love the child, my child no matter who the father is. I want you to get here very soon my little one. The tribe will love you, I'm sure. You'll have so many 'brothers and sisters' without me birthing a one. You'll have many caretakers I'm sure.

I love you little one.